So I met this guy Adam, typical Jew from the WB, otherwise known as West Bloomfield for you non-Michiganders. We’ll call him “WB Adam.” It’s our first date, we are standing in line to get coffee at Starbucks and this BABYman blurts out, “what kind of Jew are you?” I said, "excuse me?” He says I mean “ Are you reformed, conservative, orthodox?” My response was “None of the above,” then I went into the quick back-story...
My father is Jewish, although I am not quite sure if that means he is Jewish because he decides to put on his yamulka during Hanukkah eight days a year or if it is because he enjoys a good deli sandwich and a Dr. Brown's soda or if it is simply because he is a lawyer. Either way my dad is a Jew. My mom on the other hand is a Schiksa, she was raised Lutheran and continues to remain a Christian. So when my parents got married, neither converted however there was one enormous sweets table at their wedding. I guess everyone can appreciate a good sweets table at a wedding, whether you light the menorah or praise Jesus.
Back to the BABYman "WB Adam". As BABYman and I are standing in line I explain this to him as well as the SHOCKING fact that I attended a Catholic school. His response was definitely favorable "uh huh?” Oh yeah, this wasn't looking good. Then he follows up with, "well would you be willing to convert?” Now please remember this is before I have gotten my tall soy cafe latte. Coffees in hand, now seated on a couch he turns to me and says, “Well, it is really important to my mother that I marry a Jew.” My mind bending response, “Ok, but what does that mean to you?” I ask this because all Jews have a funny way of defining what makes them a Jew. Some truly do go to Synagogue every week, some only on high holidays, and some think because they do the classic Jewish kissing routine when they see you and go get some good Matzo ball soup that that makes them a Jew (we’ll call them the “social jews”). WB Adam responds, “no I am conservative.” I said ok, feeling a little out of place at this point; “Well if we were serious and were to get married I would consider.” This is all in the first ten minutes of our date. Everything goes up from here, let's face it where else can it go at this point? You are never supposed to discuss political views or religion and this guy had knocked both subjects down in 10 minutes. The biggest shocker of all comes next, he says, “I would really like to see you again." I said, "me too" thinking I would give him a chance. To which he responded, "how about tonight?" I agreed even though I know the rule: “Look busy! Tell them you have to wash your hair.” You know the ole routine ladies. But I said yes what the hell let’s break the law. So we end up going to dinner having a great time, a great goodnight kiss...all was good in the world that night.
I wake up the next morning to an invite on Facebook for a Jewish networking group he heads up at the Jewish Community Center he works at, yup super Jew. As I am clicking the “join” button he texts me, "did you join my group?" I told him the good news, yay! He said “good, because I want you to have more Jewish friends here in Phoenix.” Hmm…and the conversion begins. We have a great two weeks of dating and then mysteriously one Friday night he is “tired.” Oh but then I get the real reasoning…momma wouldn’t approve because I’m not Jewish. That didn’t warrant a response.
Two weeks later out of nowhere someone is caling me off the hook 10 million times, mind you while I’m at work. It turns out to be who else, WB Adam. He leaves me a whining voicemail that says “give me another chance...I really like you and I know that you could convert.” I’m thinking wow, after two weeks of nothing this BABYman is going to call and tell me this. I told him thanks but no thanks. WB Adam said, "fine, don't give me another chance" and was on his whiney little way, but not until he left me 20 texts all ablout the fact that he is the best guy ever (must be a Leo/Clooney/Pitt mash up). Really?? Who told you that, (probably your momma) because I certainly don’t agree. Ah yes, my friends this is a true BABYman!
I was "talking" to this douche who was in the biz school at Columbia and his way of making plans or let's just call it what it was..."hook up plans," was to call and say, "I wanted to touch base with you so we could put something on the calendar." Yeah I'll touch your base and penis that one in, I mean pencil that one in.
